Condoms, Minibars and Last Chances

Condoms and minibarsWhen I checked into my hotel room in LA a couple of weeks ago – jetlagged and discombobulated – I should have alerted the reception desk as soon as I noticed that the condoms in the minibar had been used. 

There was an empty box where a full box should have been. 

Had I immediately got them on the phone and said “I’ve just checked in, and I want to let you know that there’s an empty condom box in the minibar” I would have avoided the embarrassing predicament the next day of having to explain that I wasn’t trying to avoid paying for condoms I had used myself. 

In an entirely cack-handed effort to preempt the accusation that I was trying to get something for nothing, as I approached the reception desk I made the dubious choice to lead with: 

“So, I had a wonderful night, only I didn’t get laid.” 

At which point the receptionist – male, probably gay – stuttered awkwardly. 

“It’s just that your cleaning staff will find an empty box of condoms in the bin. And I didn’t use them. I didn’t have sex last night.” I added, for unnecessary emphasis. 

“Well, sir,” he replied. “I, er, you, we … just … what exactly can I do to help?” 

“Oh,” I said. “I just don’t want to pay for them. Seeing as I didn’t get to use them. Nope! No sex for me last night!” 


“I’ll make sure you’re not billed for them,” he said, uncertainly. 

When I bumped into him again the next day he apologized to me. “I’m sorry, sir. I thought you were hitting on me.” 


When I put together the School for Selling earlier this year, many of my teachers told me that it was priced too low to be taken seriously. 

Finally, I’m listening to them. 

At the end of the year it will be pulled from the market, upgraded, refurbished and re-released at a considerably higher price-point. 

Grab it today and you’ll be comped into the all future upgrades. 

Get the School for Selling now before the substantial price increase

There’s over ten hours of original material on how to sell more, and precisely no advice on making awkward situations less awkward. 

Should I Offer A Guarantee? A Definitive Answer


I get a lot of questions about whether or not to offer a guarantee.

In the bad old days of selling timeshare, when I sweated and swore and quite possibly broke the law, we used to have a mandatory 10-day cooling off period built into the sales contract.

That meant that the buyer could change their mind and get their cash back after the sale.

The only thing was, our bosses (one of whom had a pet baseball-bat) wouldn’t let us mention it.

If our be-swimsuited prospect asked about it, we’d say:

If you’re even asking about this, that tells me you’ve not been listening to a word I’ve been saying[1].

If you’ve not been listening, then you’re not yet convinced[2].

And if you’re not yet convinced, then I won’t let you sign this contract[3].

In fact, I won’t let you sign this contract until you promise me that you’ve got NO intention of coming back in here in a few days and asking for your money back[4].

[1] power play/disruption: we’ve built a friendly relationship over the last several hours and now we’re threatening to take it away.
[2] it’s your fault and you’ve got to rectify it.
[3] authority (“I won’t let you”)
[4] consistency (“you’ve said you’ll do it this way, so you will”).

The only reason we did this, of course, is because we couldn’t, in good faith, stand by our product.

We wouldn’t have sold it to our grandmothers, so we shouldn’t have been selling it to anybody.

Since the School for Selling went live, 134 people have become students.

This week the first refund request came in.

It said;

Reason for refund –
I was not satisfied with the product. / Product did not meet expectations.

So we followed up:

So sorry, of course you can have your money back. Was it something we did or said?

And the reply was:

It’s not so much “didn’t meet expectation” (that was automatically completed!) but there is a change in what I am doing and I no longer need that training. I loooove Matthew’s stuff and will continue to follow him. It’s just the approach of the training is no longer appropriate for me in the moment.

And that is an example entirely valid refund request, for two reasons:

  1. It’s honest.
  2. It’s within the no-questions-asked 60-day guarantee period, which trumps any single other argument.

There are good kinds of refund request and shitty kinds of refund requests.

The only shitty ones come outside of the guarantee period. Everything else is ok.

  • “It wasn’t for me.”
  • “The product was defective.”
  • “It was the wrong size.”
  • “I didn’t use it, so I want my cash back.”
  • “I need the money.”
  • “I changed my mind.”
  • “I made a huge mistake.”
  • “I don’t like you.”

All of these are valid provided you’re treating the vendor with the same respect as you’ve been treated by them AND you’re within the guarantee period.

Guarantees: the definitive answer

As a vendor, if you can’t offer an unconditional guarantee for a limited time-period, then you need to go back to the drawing board and work on selling something that you can stand behind.

The School for Selling has an unconditional, no-questions-asked, 60-day guarantee period.

And a refund rate of 0.75%

Become a student today for lifetime access (including exciting future upgrades).


PS I realize that by drawing attention to the guarantee period I might be enticing you to buy it for the wrong reasons. Heck, my refund rate might go up. But I’m confident it won’t, not in a meaningful way. That’s because my customers – you – are chock-full of integrity, generally.

My Top Ten Business Books Can Be Yours This Weekend

BusinessBookGiveawayI’m doing a giveaway.

Here are my top ten business books.

In honor of Labor Day, which Wikipedia tells me is “dedicated to the social and economic achievements of workers” (as a Brit I had to look that up) I’m giving them away to enhance your own social and economic achievements.

One person will get all ten books delivered to their door. There’s also complimentary access to the School for Selling included in the bundle.

(If you win and you’re already enrolled in the School for Selling then you’ll get something else. Possibly something liquid. Definitely not a kitten.)

These ten books contain some of the most important lessons I’ve ever received. They are slanted towards the psychology of selling. I recommend you read every single one of them multiple times.

But you gotta be in it to win it.

It’s one of those fancy multi-entry things: the more you tell other people about it, the more chances you have of coming out victorious.

Click to enter

I hope I get to send you a big box of books in the next three weeks. I hope you have a great long weekend. I hope we get to hang out soon. I hope that one day my children will sleep for longer than 90-minute stretches at night.


PS from a “marketing” point of view (because that’s what I’m interested in) this exercise is designed to “build my list”. I hate that phrase, but it is what it is. I’ll report back on the results in the near future. If you know somebody who’d be interested in getting in it, please share it with them.

PPS here’s the list:

The books are Book Yourself Solid Illustrated by Michael Port, You Can’t Teach A Kid To Ride A Bike At A Seminar by David Sandler, How To Get Rich by Felix Dennis, The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene, Life’s a Pitch by Philip Delves Broughton, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini, 80/20 Sales and Marketing by Perry Marshall, Unstoppable Referrals by Steve Gordon, 22 Immutable Laws of Marketing by Ries and Trout, and How To Get A Grip by some dude called Matthew Kimberley.

13 Very Important Life Lessons From How To Get a Grip

The best book I have ever written read written about today is How To Get A Grip, a profane and shouty guide to personal development.

Here follow some of the most popular passages, according to Amazon popular highlights. Read and weep and save yourself some time on reading the whole thing.

When you’re done weeping and reading, and if you still want to read more, check out How To Get A Grip on or on

On positive reinforcement (you can do ANYTHING!):

SOMETIMES IN LIFE, things get a bit shit. You can’t avoid it. It’s how you deal with the shit that sets you apart and, while you may think you lack the resources to turn things around and make it all a little less shit, you don’t.

On mortality and the purpose of life:

Life is not a competition, it’s a game. There are no winners or losers. We all end up dead.

Ambition is perfectly healthy so long as it’s YOUR ambition.

On how ladies think:

She’s thinking ‘He seems like a really hot, intelligent guy. The kind of guy who I’d like to take home and suffocate with my thighs.’

On gardening:

Treat people well and you’ll find them more inclined to lend you their lawnmower.

If you find that the grass is often greener, it’s time to buy some fertilizer.

On book titles that are likely to be sure-fire best-sellers, if ever written:

Tug of War – a history of military masturbation

Trim Six Inches Off Your Flabby Thighs With Neuro Linguistic Programming

Set Your Child On The Route To A Fulfilling Career In The Medical Profession By Reading Him Bedtime Stories In Swahili

On the perils of progress:

Advancement and progress are what keeps civilization civilized. But they’re also what gave us nuclear weapons and daytime TV.

On the futility of being easily offended:

When you find other people’s behavior distasteful, you get upset, your blood pressure gets raised, you lose a lot of time worrying and you shave seven minutes off your own life. Nobody else gives a shit.

On appreciating what you’ve got:

Some have it worse than others. Some of us were born in the arse-end of the country to a family of inbred petty criminals with facial tattoos and Neolithic attitudes to women and literacy.

On therapy:

Talking about your problems helps resolve them. Incessantly blathering on about the shit you’re going through does the opposite.