I slapped myself in the face

experimentSo I survived the sharks.

Thanks to the application of factor 100 sunscreen (yes, it exists!) I even escaped sunburn.

But then I slapped myself in the face and I’m still smarting.

Here’s why:

The people who bug me most are the skeptics.

These are the “yeahbutters”: the know-it-alls who challenge every new or different idea with their own preconceptions disguised as fact.

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Do you want a drink with that?

Shark DrinkI’m in a hotel in Miami thinking about sharks.

In a few minutes I’m going to get on a boat.

(I get seasick on a horse).

I’m going to get on a boat and will be encouraged – through applied direct pressure – to jump off the boat and swim.

Now I’m all for swimming.

Specifically, I’m all for swimming in indoor pools, no more than 10 feet deep, with a lifeguard on duty at all times.

But I’m not a huge fan of swimming in the sea.

There are sharks, for a start.

And sharks are one of the things I actively dislike about this part of the world.

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Two Marketing Morons And A Mouse Mat

mousematsBack in the day I’d get sent desk warts by my suppliers.

A desk wart is a piece of tat designed to build up “name recognition”.

You know the type: corporate “merchandise” that takes up space in your stationery cabinet.

Desk-tidies, coffee cups, pens … all branded to make them deeply unattractive.

The decision to send this crap out goes like this:

Moron 1: “Hey! You know what everybody needs?
Moron 2: “What’s that?”
Moron 1: “A desk calendar.”
Moron 2: “Yeah! Everybody would LOVE to get a desk-calendar. Hell, people are buying them for their family and shit, they’re such great gifts!”
Moron 1: “Yeah, and you know what would make them EVEN more valuable?”
Moron 2: “Gold plating?”
Moron 1: “No! OUR LOGO AND TELEPHONE NUMBER!”
Moron 2: “That’s SUCH a great idea! I can’t believe nobody else is doing it!
Moron 1: “Yeah! They’ll LOVE us for the thoughtful gift, will OWE us some business, and will never FORGET us because our telephone number will sit on their desk all year!”
Moron 2: “Hey … I’ve just had a thought … what about getting some mouse-mats done as well?”

etc etc ad infinitum

Here’s what’s wrong with that:

1. If the best you can manage for an existing client is a mouse-mat with your telephone number on it, it is better to give them NOTHING at all.

I’m deadly serious about that. If your customers are spending thousands on you, take them out for dinner. Don’t give them a fucking mouse-mat.

You might as well write them a card that says “I’m too cheap to bother with anything thoughtful.”

2. If you think you’re going to win a new customer with a mouse-mat, then you have a deep, dangerous misunderstanding about what your client wants and needs.

“I will take your tat and decline your conversation” is the best you’re likely to get.

(I use that one with Jehovah’s Witnesses).

The only upside I can see in delivering desk warts is delivering them by hand so you get to have a conversation.

Presumably a conversation made up of you apologizing for your shitty gift.

If you want to do better marketing than that, get me on the phone.

This Email Is Full Of Shit

Toilet Paper[This is an email that went out to my newsletter list today. If you're not on it, I suggest you sign up immediately.]

So most of the time you get a “correction” or a [FIXED] email from a marketer, it’s a pile of horsepit.

It’s just another excuse to get you to click the link they want you to click.

But in this case – and as so many of you pointed out – we FACTUALLY got the timing of tomorrow’s webinar wrong.

That’s been fixed now.

I sent a group of Armenian thugs to Danny’s house in Montreal. They remedied the situation immediately with the help of pliers and a cheese-grater.*

But then our servers exploded under the enormous rush of sign ups.**

… and our conference line only takes 25,000 and there are already 26,000 of you registered.***

Tomorrow’s live training event with Danny Iny and me will show you how to get your audience eating out of your hand.

… and forgiving you when you make stupid mistakes like sending out the wrong time for a webinar.

… and buying more of your stuff more frequently.

Click here to join us and learn how to do this stuff right.

MK

* that’s not true.
** nor that
*** nope, not even

You Are Not An Idiot

You are not an idiotBecause you’re not an idiot I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear.

If I were to pander to you, or if you were to pander to YOUR audience, you’d get a lot of “positive feedback”.

Which is worth zip. We’re interested in results.

But it would be the easy way to make you feel great.

In fact, it’s really easy, in this line of work, to make money telling people what they want to hear.

It’s also often dishonest.

“The universe will provide”
“It’s OK if you’re not having sales conversations – they’re difficult”
“The EASIEST system EVER for [MORE FRICKING SUPERLATIVES]“

But you’re not an idiot.

And I refuse to treat you like one.

If I ever post a Facebook update that sounds anything like

“and remember, YOU are ALL you need, because you’re endowed with the power of the great divine mother earth #empowerment #brainmush #crystalsandshit”

… then you can be sure I’ve gone soft in the head.

And you can shoot me.

Because you’re not an idiot, you’ll know that this Friday’s webinar with Danny Iny is a promotional webinar.

(and a damn fine one too – if you want to see how it’s done properly, come along)

At the end of it, you’ll be given the choice to continue your relationship with him, or politely decline his offer.

And because you’re not an idiot, you’ll make the decision that is right for you.

It’s for you if you want to learn to treat your audience with the respect they deserve and get them responding to you like humans with brains.

That’s why I’m hosting it. Because it’s right.

It’s also why I’m not suggesting you buy the latest Warrior Forum special offer on “FINALLY … exploding your income with FREE traffic that Google doesn’t want you to know about!!!111^

Join me and Danny on Friday’s webinar and learn how to grow your audience and your business in 2013.

I personally vouch for him.

Because you’re not an idiot, you can be sure that means a great deal.