3 Lessons From The Hairy Canary

How To Sell BeerI’ve sold hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of coaching services, directly and indirectly.

I’ve sold millions of euros worth of professional services (thankfully I didn’t have to provide them myself.)

But my fondest memories come from selling beer in the Hairy Canary.

The Hairy Canary is a bar in Brussels, Belgium.

Belgium – as you may know – is a great place if you’re a beer drinker, and the Hairy Canary was one of the best places to drink free of molestation and interference.

(That wasn’t the case at the LopLop Cafe, where I cut my teeth in bar work. The beer menu was expansive, and the live music enormous fun, but the Albanian doormen, Moroccan pickpockets and Irish panhandlers added a frisson of violent uncertainty. That’s a story for another day.)

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How To Earn $100k

100kCongratulations, you’re on the road to earning $100k.

It sounded difficult – a pipe-dream, perhaps – but now it’s a reality.

It’s a reality because you’ve made a couple of decisions:

FIRSTLY, you’ve decided that it’s within your grasp.
SECONDLY, you’ve realized that you only need to find TEN people to invest $10k in your services to make that happen.

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Douchebags and Masterminds

DoucheFor a long time I hung out with douchebags. I’d look around often and say “jeez, these guys are douchebags.”

Everywhere I looked, douchebags. Left, right and center.

I managed to cut them loose, and like to think that my douche-o-meter is pretty well honed now. (Of course, it’s all subjective.)

But occasionally the odd dirt-ball gets through.

Its inevitable in this line of work. Hell, it’s inevitable in any line of work.

But there are some things you can do to remedy it.

And you need to remedy it, because douchebags bring you down. And eventually, you’ll become a douchebag too.

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The Definitive Guide To Working From Home With Kids

how to work at home with kidsMy son is three years old at the time of the writing. Most of the time he’s adorable.

The rest of the time he’s a little shit.

He wakes me up most mornings by climbing into bed next to me, homing in for a cuddle, then kneeing me squarely in the balls.

Unfortunately, until 21st December 2027 (not that I’m counting), I have a duty of care towards him.

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The be-back bus bust out

Be back busOnce upon a time I was a timeshare salesman.

Our victims were dragged in from the promenade – inflatable beach toys under their arms – under dubious pretences.

They’d typically “won a free vacation” and to claim it they had to meet a “representative” who’d explain how it all worked.

Those representatives – including me – sweated alcohol, smoked too much and spent our money on lap-dances and painkillers.

But we’d been trained up good. Here’s what a typical four-hour pitch looked like:

1. establish rapport
2. identify hot buttons.
3. features, benefits, emotion.
4. logic, financials
5. close close close!
6. pricing: bump and drop, close again!
7. button-up, reinforcement, keep the deal in bed.

And the golden rule? The golden rule was that our ups (“unqualified prospects”) HAD to make a decision there and then. No “thinking about it”, no “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

THE BE-BACK BUS DON’T COME BACK

Because if we’d let them get away, they’d find a dozen reasons to talk themselves out of it, and we wouldn’t get paid.

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I just got a $19,000 water bill

What the fuck water billI just got a water bill for ONE month for 15,000 euros. That’s almost $19,000.

Turns out that for a period of about three weeks, our boiler busted a sprocket – or whatever boilers have – and a MASSIVE amount of H20 flooded straight through the system and into the sewers below the apartment block.

And nobody noticed.

We only found out when our tenant got a water bill for 30,000 euros. (I seriously wish I was joking.)

We did some backwards and forwards and they cut it in half as a gesture of goodwill.

But that still leaves a fucking ENORMOUS and unexpected bill to pay.

Imagine wiping your ass with a crisp fifty every single day for a year.

Or buying 3800 bottles of beer and pouring them into the ocean without them passing your digestive system.

Or booking 20 transatlantic return flights in coach class and then staying at home instead.

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